I wish I could say that words will never hurt me, but they do, especially when it comes to my infertility. People just don't know any better. They're awkward around you or they don't know what to say, but they feel they need to say something.
Since there's no etiquette handbook on what to say to couples dealing with infertility, I've decided to share some of the worst things people have said to me (What Not to Say) and what I think would be a better alternative (What to Say Instead). Here goes...
What Not to Say: "I know what you're going through."
Unless you spent over two years trying to get pregnant with no such luck, you do not know what I'm going through. You do not know the frustration of doing uncomfortable tests only to find out that there's nothing physically wrong with you or your spouse. You do not know the pain of seeing everyone else get pregnant around you. You don't know the constant feeling of emptiness when you're unable to conceive month after month. You simply do not know.
What to Say Instead: "I don't know what you're going through, but I'm sure it must be difficult."
What Not to Say: "Have you tried [the Secret, acupuncture, etc.]?"
Well, I've tried legs up the wall, surgery to remove a rather large cyst on my left ovary, ovulation kits, voodoo charms from New Orleans, a fertility blanket made by a friend and a St. Gerard charm in my bible (I am Catholic after all)... None of these things have worked. I don't need anymore advice. I need a shoulder to cry on. I need someone to listen to me vent. I need someone to make me laugh and feel like a normal human being once in a while.
What to Say Instead: "If you ever need to talk, I'm here for you."
What Not to Say: "Maybe the two of you aren't compatible in that way."
(This
has actually been said to me more than once by people who are sincerely
trying to be helpful.) You probably watched some special episode of
Dr. Oz and think that this is a medical possibility, but I'm not going
to trade in my good husband for one that has sperm that might be more
compatible with my eggs. He's a good husband who has said he will stay with me––child or no child. He loves me that much.
What to Say Instead: Since this kind of falls along giving advice, an "If you ever need to talk, I'm here for you" will suffice.
What Not to Say: "It'll happen in God's time." / "It's God's plan."
I know you're thinking I don't have faith or that I don't believe in God and trying to get me to turn to Him. But I do believe and I've prayed to Him every single night for over two years to get pregnant and have a healthy baby. But I still don't have a baby and I'm not pregnant. If my answer from God is no child, then it confirms my very worst fear that God does not want me and my husband to have a child. This is a horrible, horrible feeling.
What to Say Instead: If you want to talk about God, "God's given you a lot of strength; I know you'll be okay." / If not, "It'll be okay."
What Not to Say: "I know your time will come." / "I know you'll get pregnant someday."
Can you see into the future? Do you talk one-on-one to God? Will you give us the money we'll need to go through multiple IVF treatments or the adoption process in order to have a baby? No? Then you don't know. You may think I'm not thinking positive or that I've lost all hope. But I'm not without hope. I'm being realistic. There are no guarantees. I'd like it to happen, but I don't know if it will and you don't really know either. Let's not kid ourselves.
What to Say Instead: "I'm hoping / praying that you get pregnant soon." (And just so you know, my response would be: "Me too.")
What Not to Say: "If / When you have children..." / "You're not her / his parent."
(To be fair, this was said in an argument with a very overprotective parent, but it still hurt like hell considering this parent knows all too well what the Mr. and I are going through.) Believe me, I am fully aware that I am not your child's parent. I am aware that I am no one's parent and that I may never be any one's parent. I live with that everyday of my life. I don't need you to remind me.
What to Say Instead: Never say anything like this unless you want to make an infertile woman cry.
So, be sensitive to women who are childless not by choice and be careful with what you say to them... Especially me. Because if you say something that hurts my feelings, it may end up on my blog! :o)
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