Bumps, Babies and Black Sheep

Infertility sucks! And it only gets worse every day, every month and every year that passes without getting pregnant. Until (so I hear) you let go and things slowly start to get better. I'm not at the point of letting go yet, so everything still feels fresh and painful, like an open wound.

Since I don't want to put salt in that wound, I try to avoid pregnant bellies. Quite frankly, it hurts way more to be around pregnant women than it does to be around children. This one may be hard for most people to understand (especially all the Fertile Myrtles out there), but I'll try to explain.

There's a mix of emotions. I'm jealous because I wish I was pregnant. And I'm sad because seeing a baby bump reminds me of my lack of one. But there's also a feeling that I'm being pitied because I'm childless not by choice (which obviously comes more from people I know than from people I don't know). And I don't want to be pitied.

Luckily, I have a great group of friends who, though they haven't gone through infertility, just get it. I recently had dinner with one who is in her mid-thirties and unmarried. She feels the same way I do when she gets looks of pity from the smug marrieds in her life. Who wants to be pitied? It makes us feel like outsiders. And who wants to feel like an outsider?

For the record, the Mr. and I already feel like outsiders in so many other aspects of our lives compared to our siblings - what with our city lifestyle, the fact that we rent vs. own, our love of movies that goes way deeper than anyone else in our families (we must sound like aliens to them when we begin to argue about Paul Thomas Anderson)... And now that we're going to be the only ones without children, we'll officially be the black sheep.

Now, being around children can also be excruciatingly painful, especially when you're surrounded by lots and lots of them. I actually had a nervous breakdown on the way to my niece's communion and started crying during her and my nephew's talent show when another little girl sang Somewhere Over the Rainbow. (Not one of my proudest moments...)

But one on one, I really love being around children (that's why I want to have a couple of my own). The world they know is so innocent and so simple. "Do you want to play with me?" That's it. No pity. No deep conversation. Just playing. "Let's brush my doll's hair." Okay. "Let's color." Sure. "Let's go down the slide a million times." Why not?

With pregnant women, it takes about nine months or so for my wounds to heal and to not feel so bad around them... With children, how can I even think of all my grown-up problems when we're going up and down the slide a million times?