What I Want (A Short Rant)

I want to stop crying every time I find out someone I know is pregnant. I can't help it. It's just a knee-jerk reaction. I know I should feel happy for them. But whenever someone says, "I have something to tell you," I get this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach because I already know what it is. Then I feel this ache in my heart and and my mind immediately thinks something along the lines of, "I've been trying to get pregnant longer than they've been married," or "In all the time I've been trying to get pregnant, they've managed to get pregnant twice." Followed by "This is not fair." It's probably better that other people break the news to me instead of the expecting couple because I would image my uncontrollable sobbing would be very jarring to the expecting couple.

I want to stop feeling miserable around pregnant women. It's gotten to a point that I try to avoid pregnant women so that I don't have to pretend to be happy around them. Because pretending to be happy for more than five minutes is exhausting. Is this crazy? Probably. But in reality, being around pregnant women just makes feel me feel horribly, deeply sad.

This is mostly because I want to be pregnant. I want to feel my daughter or son growing inside of me. I want to give them one of the awesome names the Mr. and I have already chosen. I want to stay up for late night feedings and sing lullabies to soothe them when they're teething. I want to be the first one they run to when they scratch their knees. I want to watch Disney movies with them and take them to the park and play with them. I want to hear them say, "I love you, Mommy."

Lastly, I want to believe that I will get pregnant soon. It's a good thing that I have people in my life who remind me to have faith, like my thoughtful sister-in-law who sent me a note and small St. Gerard token or the sweet friend who shared a sermon with me called, "The God Who Breaks Our Heart." When I'm having those difficult "I don't think it's ever going to happen" days, it's good to have those reminders (and supporters).