I graduated from film school and worked in production for a few years, so I know a thing or two about crowdfunding sites like Indiegogo and Kickstarter... But now I hear that more and more couples are turning to crowdfunding for their fertility treatments and adoption fees. I'm really not sure how I feel about that.
Yes, I know how costly infertility treatments can be when your insurance doesn't cover them. My first round of IUI with Clomid just set me back $375. If I do that six times (as some insurance companies require six rounds of IUI before they cover IVF), it would cost $2,250. And don't even get me started on the costs of IVF (which my current insurance does not cover)...
So, out of curiosity, I looked at sites like GiveForward and KrowdKidz, but I was thoroughly disappointed by the donation numbers I saw (a lot of $0 raised or nowhere near being fully funded). However, AdoptTogether seemed much more successful. I'm trying to figure out why that is... Is it because couples don't want to share their fertility treatments via social media and expand their reach? Is it because people feel weird helping to pay for IVF treatments, but okay with helping them adopt? Is it because IVF is like a coin toss and you have a 50/50 chance of getting pregnant, which is kind of a risky investment? Anyone know?
Also, with the Mr. and I now deciding to go radio silent on the details of our fertility treatments, I don't think he would allow me to start a crowdfunding page for us and share it on Facebook.
Of course, right now, we're still pretty early in the process and don't need to do something like that, but who knows what the future holds?
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Monday, August 26, 2013
Counting My Blessings
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| A day at the (French) fair |
I had never been to Governor's Island before, but this past weekend, the Mr. and I finally went. We took the (free!) ferry from Brooklyn so we could experience Fete Paradiso, a traveling festival of vintage French carnival rides. We were just two big kids who enjoyed the various carousels, including a bicycle carousel from 1892 - one of only two in the world (the other was featured in Woody Allen's Midnight in Paris). But we couldn't handle the jerking around of the dragon roller coaster (it was fun, but I felt like I was getting bruised). We ate a lovely lunch (I had a crepe and french fries, the Mr. had a chicken sausage and french fries) while listening to a woman sing Edith Piaf songs. And did I mention the weather was perfect (blue skies and in the high 70s)? We couldn't have had a better day...
Monday, August 19, 2013
Sex, Lies & Infertility
I'm a pretty honest person. I always try to say what I mean and mean what I say... Unfortunately, there are times when this isn't socially acceptable.
I was at a bridal shower this past weekend when the topic of my sister-in-law's pregnancy came up. I felt trapped as they talked about what they think the baby's gender would be, how the doctor said he was 99% sure and how exciting it all is. They then moved on to talk about how their hair dresser got married in February and must have gotten pregnant on her wedding night because she announced she was pregnant two weeks later. As much as I wanted to say, "Please shut up because the Mr. and I have been trying to get pregnant longer than any of these people have been married and it's killing me that I'm still not pregnant yet," I didn't. It would have been rude and put a damper on the festivities.
Telling people the truth makes them feel uncomfortable. I know because I've told people the truth before. A friend of the Mr. asked me at a wedding last year when the Mr. and I would be getting on the baby train. I was so annoyed that he asked that I told him point blank that we've been trying for over a year, that I even had surgery and nothing. Needless to say, it shut him up quick.
Most people don't know how to deal with our whole infertility thing. It's foreign territory to them. Either they don't want kids yet (so they're still in the avoiding pregnancy stage of life) or it was so easy for them to get pregnant they're just shocked it's not easy for everyone else. It's also extremely personal because it makes people think about your sex life and, as far as polite conversation goes, you should always avoid talking about religion, politics and sex.
Obviously, whether I tell you the whole truth or not depends on how close we are. My mom knows a lot and so do a handful of friends. One friend and I have gotten to the point of texting each other when we find out someone we know is pregnant. We can express our hurt and frustration to each other without appearing like lepers or Wicked Witches of the East to anyone else.
Strangers are another story. When we were on vacation in Turks & Caicos, hotel employees and other guests would find out that the Mr. and I have been married for four years and they'd inevitably ask if we have children? They didn't really care. They just want to see if we fit in to the social norm. We were forced to answer no, we do not have children. They'd then answer one of two ways: "You'd better get on that..." (and go on about the joys of parenthood) or "Enjoy it while it lasts..." (and go on about the pains of parenthood).
Luckily, I was prepared for this. I had recently read a post by a fellow childless blogger who went to get a manicure and the manicurist cried when she found out that this woman didn't have any children. The manicurist felt sadness and pity for this woman because she (the manicurist) thought having children was the best thing that ever happened her. I didn't want to feel that pity. I was on vacation and wanted to get away from the stigma of infertility.
So I would just nod and smile and say we have to go to somewhere (whether we actually did or didn't). And I think I'll continue to do that in the future because sometimes a little lying is the only way no one ends up feeling bad... including me.
I was at a bridal shower this past weekend when the topic of my sister-in-law's pregnancy came up. I felt trapped as they talked about what they think the baby's gender would be, how the doctor said he was 99% sure and how exciting it all is. They then moved on to talk about how their hair dresser got married in February and must have gotten pregnant on her wedding night because she announced she was pregnant two weeks later. As much as I wanted to say, "Please shut up because the Mr. and I have been trying to get pregnant longer than any of these people have been married and it's killing me that I'm still not pregnant yet," I didn't. It would have been rude and put a damper on the festivities.
Telling people the truth makes them feel uncomfortable. I know because I've told people the truth before. A friend of the Mr. asked me at a wedding last year when the Mr. and I would be getting on the baby train. I was so annoyed that he asked that I told him point blank that we've been trying for over a year, that I even had surgery and nothing. Needless to say, it shut him up quick.
Most people don't know how to deal with our whole infertility thing. It's foreign territory to them. Either they don't want kids yet (so they're still in the avoiding pregnancy stage of life) or it was so easy for them to get pregnant they're just shocked it's not easy for everyone else. It's also extremely personal because it makes people think about your sex life and, as far as polite conversation goes, you should always avoid talking about religion, politics and sex.
Obviously, whether I tell you the whole truth or not depends on how close we are. My mom knows a lot and so do a handful of friends. One friend and I have gotten to the point of texting each other when we find out someone we know is pregnant. We can express our hurt and frustration to each other without appearing like lepers or Wicked Witches of the East to anyone else.
Strangers are another story. When we were on vacation in Turks & Caicos, hotel employees and other guests would find out that the Mr. and I have been married for four years and they'd inevitably ask if we have children? They didn't really care. They just want to see if we fit in to the social norm. We were forced to answer no, we do not have children. They'd then answer one of two ways: "You'd better get on that..." (and go on about the joys of parenthood) or "Enjoy it while it lasts..." (and go on about the pains of parenthood).
Luckily, I was prepared for this. I had recently read a post by a fellow childless blogger who went to get a manicure and the manicurist cried when she found out that this woman didn't have any children. The manicurist felt sadness and pity for this woman because she (the manicurist) thought having children was the best thing that ever happened her. I didn't want to feel that pity. I was on vacation and wanted to get away from the stigma of infertility.
So I would just nod and smile and say we have to go to somewhere (whether we actually did or didn't). And I think I'll continue to do that in the future because sometimes a little lying is the only way no one ends up feeling bad... including me.
Friday, August 9, 2013
Counting My Blessings
This past week, the Mr. and I had a much needed vacation in Turks & Caicos. We stayed at the Gansevoort, got a couples massage, had a few piña coladas at Somewhere (our new favorite beach bar), worked out and sunbathed by the pool...
We took long walks along the beach...
We watched the beautiful sun set...
And we enjoyed the stars from our ocean view terrace...
Since we're starting our infertility treatments soon, the time away really helped us clear our heads, reflect on our journey and relax a bit. It was just what we needed and I am so grateful that we had the time (and the money) to take such a wonderful vacation.
We took long walks along the beach...
We watched the beautiful sun set...
And we enjoyed the stars from our ocean view terrace...
Since we're starting our infertility treatments soon, the time away really helped us clear our heads, reflect on our journey and relax a bit. It was just what we needed and I am so grateful that we had the time (and the money) to take such a wonderful vacation.
Monday, August 5, 2013
What I've Learned...
Infertility hasn't been an easy journey, but I'd like to think it has taught me a few things...
Life is not fair. Bad things happen to good people. Good things happen to bad people. People who would make awful parents have children (ahem, Casey Anthony, ahem). And people who would be the absolute best parents remain childless. This must be why almost every language has a way of saying, "That's life..." ("Asi es la vida,""C'est la vie," etc.)
Always have a plan B. Also, a plan C and a plan D won't hurt either... My plan A was to have a baby naturally. Since there's a very slim chance of that happening, I've moved on to plan B, which is fertility treatments so we can try to have a baby who is genetically our own. If that doesn't work by the beginning of 2015, I want to move on to plan C, which is adoption. (The thing about domestic newborn adoption is that married, college-educated couples in their 20s and 30s typically have a shorter wait, so I don't want to wait until we're in our 40s to try for adoption.) Of course, if plan C doesn't pan out in a year, I think we should move on to plan D, which is to live our lives without children of our own. It's good to know when to move on or when to stop trying completely, at least for our own sanity.
Forgiveness. People have said a lot of hurtful things to me whether they intended to or not. Holding onto that hurt is like drinking small amounts of acid everyday and letting it eat you up from the inside out until you're eventually nothing. This is not a good way to live. Whether or not I've received an apology, I have had to forgive people and learn to let go. It's not easy, but I do feel better when I honestly forgive others.
Not to look at Facebook when I'm having a bad day. Chances are someone I know is posting a picture of their ultrasound or their daily status update about some adorably cute/disgusting thing their child did that they think no other child has done before. I don't want to feel worse about being childless, but I can't de-friend them and I can't hide them. If I did, the only things that would appear on my newsfeed would be George Takei and Grumpy Cat. So I just avoid Facebook on those days and nobody gets hurt.
I'm the only one who can give my life meaning. No child can do that. No husband either. So I keep making plans. I go to concerts, movies, museums, etc. I spoil the kids that are actually in my life. I work. I workout. I travel. I write. It's these little things that matter. It's these little things that make up a life.
Life is not fair. Bad things happen to good people. Good things happen to bad people. People who would make awful parents have children (ahem, Casey Anthony, ahem). And people who would be the absolute best parents remain childless. This must be why almost every language has a way of saying, "That's life..." ("Asi es la vida,""C'est la vie," etc.)
Always have a plan B. Also, a plan C and a plan D won't hurt either... My plan A was to have a baby naturally. Since there's a very slim chance of that happening, I've moved on to plan B, which is fertility treatments so we can try to have a baby who is genetically our own. If that doesn't work by the beginning of 2015, I want to move on to plan C, which is adoption. (The thing about domestic newborn adoption is that married, college-educated couples in their 20s and 30s typically have a shorter wait, so I don't want to wait until we're in our 40s to try for adoption.) Of course, if plan C doesn't pan out in a year, I think we should move on to plan D, which is to live our lives without children of our own. It's good to know when to move on or when to stop trying completely, at least for our own sanity.
Forgiveness. People have said a lot of hurtful things to me whether they intended to or not. Holding onto that hurt is like drinking small amounts of acid everyday and letting it eat you up from the inside out until you're eventually nothing. This is not a good way to live. Whether or not I've received an apology, I have had to forgive people and learn to let go. It's not easy, but I do feel better when I honestly forgive others.
Not to look at Facebook when I'm having a bad day. Chances are someone I know is posting a picture of their ultrasound or their daily status update about some adorably cute/disgusting thing their child did that they think no other child has done before. I don't want to feel worse about being childless, but I can't de-friend them and I can't hide them. If I did, the only things that would appear on my newsfeed would be George Takei and Grumpy Cat. So I just avoid Facebook on those days and nobody gets hurt.
I'm the only one who can give my life meaning. No child can do that. No husband either. So I keep making plans. I go to concerts, movies, museums, etc. I spoil the kids that are actually in my life. I work. I workout. I travel. I write. It's these little things that matter. It's these little things that make up a life.
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