Distractions

Infertility creates a lot of negative thoughts. So to prevent them from eating me up whole, I try to distract myself.

This weekend, I rearranged the photos in my bedroom to make room for a few new pieces (a picture I got the Mr. for our dating anniversary and a bulletin board I bought to use for my pretty costume jewelry).

I had the Mr. spackle and paint and then, when everything was dry, I put up the pictures and bulletin board.

I think it came out pretty nice and it was good to have a few worry-free hours...

Counting My Blessings

Some people see Labor Day as the unofficial last day of summer. I see it as the unofficial first day of fall. And the Mr. and I love fall...

Last year's owl pumpkin... Now, what we should do this year?

Some of our fondest memories took place in the fall. We shared our first "I love you" at the end of our first October together; got engaged a few years later in November; and got married the following October.

Last year's Thanksgiving pie was such a hit that I plan to make it again this year.

But there are other things we love about this beautiful season. For the Mr., fall means football all day on Sundays and his favorite holiday, Thanksgiving. For me, it means apple-picking, pumpkin-carving, pie-baking and watching "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown."

Fall is also when the new school year starts which, to me, always meant a new beginning, a fresh start... Here's hoping that our fertility treatments work and there's a new beginning this fall...

What I Want (A Short Rant)

I want to stop crying every time I find out someone I know is pregnant. I can't help it. It's just a knee-jerk reaction. I know I should feel happy for them. But whenever someone says, "I have something to tell you," I get this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach because I already know what it is. Then I feel this ache in my heart and and my mind immediately thinks something along the lines of, "I've been trying to get pregnant longer than they've been married," or "In all the time I've been trying to get pregnant, they've managed to get pregnant twice." Followed by "This is not fair." It's probably better that other people break the news to me instead of the expecting couple because I would image my uncontrollable sobbing would be very jarring to the expecting couple.

I want to stop feeling miserable around pregnant women. It's gotten to a point that I try to avoid pregnant women so that I don't have to pretend to be happy around them. Because pretending to be happy for more than five minutes is exhausting. Is this crazy? Probably. But in reality, being around pregnant women just makes feel me feel horribly, deeply sad.

This is mostly because I want to be pregnant. I want to feel my daughter or son growing inside of me. I want to give them one of the awesome names the Mr. and I have already chosen. I want to stay up for late night feedings and sing lullabies to soothe them when they're teething. I want to be the first one they run to when they scratch their knees. I want to watch Disney movies with them and take them to the park and play with them. I want to hear them say, "I love you, Mommy."

Lastly, I want to believe that I will get pregnant soon. It's a good thing that I have people in my life who remind me to have faith, like my thoughtful sister-in-law who sent me a note and small St. Gerard token or the sweet friend who shared a sermon with me called, "The God Who Breaks Our Heart." When I'm having those difficult "I don't think it's ever going to happen" days, it's good to have those reminders (and supporters).