I'm a pretty honest person. I always try to say what I mean and mean what I say... Unfortunately, there are times when this isn't socially acceptable.
I was at a bridal shower this past weekend when the topic of my sister-in-law's pregnancy came up. I felt trapped as they talked about what they think the baby's gender would be, how the doctor said he was 99% sure and how exciting it all is. They then moved on to talk about how their hair dresser got married in February and must have gotten pregnant on her wedding night because she announced she was pregnant two weeks later. As much as I wanted to say, "Please shut up because the Mr. and I have been trying to get pregnant longer than any of these people have been married and it's killing me that I'm still not pregnant yet," I didn't. It would have been rude and put a damper on the festivities.
Telling people the truth makes them feel uncomfortable. I know because I've told people the truth before. A friend of the Mr. asked me at a wedding last year when the Mr. and I would be getting on the baby train. I was so annoyed that he asked that I told him point blank that we've been trying for over a year, that I even had surgery and nothing. Needless to say, it shut him up quick.
Most people don't know how to deal with our whole infertility thing. It's foreign territory to them. Either they don't want kids yet (so they're still in the avoiding pregnancy stage of life) or it was so easy for them to get pregnant they're just shocked it's not easy for everyone else. It's also extremely personal because it makes people think about your sex life and, as far as polite conversation goes, you should always avoid talking about religion, politics and sex.
Obviously, whether I tell you the whole truth or not depends on how close we are. My mom knows a lot and so do a handful of friends. One friend and I have gotten to the point of texting each other when we find out someone we know is pregnant. We can express our hurt and frustration to each other without appearing like lepers or Wicked Witches of the East to anyone else.
Strangers are another story. When we were on vacation in Turks & Caicos, hotel employees and other guests would find out that the Mr. and I have been married for four years and they'd inevitably ask if we have children? They didn't really care. They just want to see if we fit in to the social norm. We were forced to answer no, we do not have children. They'd then answer one of two ways: "You'd better get on that..." (and go on about the joys of parenthood) or "Enjoy it while it lasts..." (and go on about the pains of parenthood).
Luckily, I was prepared for this. I had recently read a
post by a fellow childless blogger who went to get a manicure and the manicurist cried when she found out that this woman didn't have any children. The manicurist felt sadness and pity for this woman because she (the manicurist) thought having children was the best thing that ever happened her. I didn't want to feel that pity. I was on vacation and wanted to get away from the stigma of infertility.
So I would just nod and smile and say we have to go to somewhere (whether we actually did or didn't). And I think I'll continue to do that in the future because sometimes a little lying is the only way no one ends up feeling bad... including me.
